Kasper F. Regenburg

#1 I met a girl online and arranged a blind date with her at the gym, but she never showed up. That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.

#2 If Natalie Portman and Jacques Cousteau started dating, we could call them Portmanteau.

#3 What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.

#4 I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

#5 I'm currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city. It's a Rome ants novel.

#6 What do you call a man without a body or a nose? Nobody nose.

#7 What is it called when you get attacked by a bunch of plants? An ambush.

#8 I don't know much about international politics. Most of it is foreign to me.

#9 How did the river become so financially savvy? You hear a lot when you run between two banks.

#10 Did you hear about that one guy who wandered around that one place all the time while doing random stuff? He was a real vagueabond.

#11 I was waiting to use the self checkout at the supermarket when I saw the guy in front of me turn to the woman next to him and ask if she would be his girlfriend, and to my surprise she said yes! They were an unexpected item in the bagging area.

#12 My musician buddy held two high hats over his upper face. I don't know what he's trying to cymbal-ize.

#13 What do you call an astronomer on the run from the law? Gali-lay-low.

#14 What do you call someone who ran away from the army after lunch to look for sweets? A desserter.

#15 I looked up the definition of "paranoid" in the dictionary. It said, "why do you want to know?"

#16 What happened when the ion attacked the chlorine and sodium atoms? It was charged with a salt.

#17 What military branch make the best sandwiches? The Sub Marines.

#18 I fired my personal trainer because he made me lift weights with my belly. I just couldn't handle all the ab use.

#19 If you have two friends named Gus, what will you always have? Asparagus.

#20 What do you call a picture of a hobbit? A Frodograph.

#21 Why did the filmmaker put clothes on the salmon? It was like shooting fish in apparel.

#22 What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? "Aye matey."

#23 When I came home from work, my wife said, "The baby has been crying for hours. Can you take over?" I said "sure," and started crying for hours.

#24 I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk. But I was never given the chants.

#25 My doctor says there is too much iron in my body. I guess I'm a Fe-Male.

#26 My friend writes songs about sewing machines. He's a Singer Songwriter.

#27 I accidentally ripped the outfit I was going to wear to a Super Bowl party. I need a tailor, swift.

#28 If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN, they become very VERY ANGRY.

#29 I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

#30 What do you call someone who is half Italian and half Icelandic? Italic.

#31 My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

#32 Why did the doctor call the balloon animal artist? Because he had all the heal-ium.

#33 I filled my colander to let it soak. Unfortunately, I couldn't see the holes in my plan.

#34 What kind of fish do you catch with a bookworm? Read snapper.

#35 What does a baby computer call his father? Data.

#36 Which animal has many questions? An askalotl.

#37 I hate talent show judges! I can't do anything around them without getting judged for it.

#38 How come mushrooms get invited to all the parties? Because they're fungis.

#39 Did you hear about the new high-end foam clogs? They're called Birkencrocs.

#40 I'm addicted to buying hatchets from other countries because of their smell. I love foreign axe scents.

#41 I couldn't settle into this book about nomads. The author seemed to wander all over the place.

#42 How did Noah see the animals on the ark at night? Flood lights.

#43 What do you call it when your Chipotle is a little cold? A brrrr'ito.

#44 Somebody called me on my phone, sneezed twice, and then hung up. I'm getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

#45 How did Quasimodo know which bells to ring at Notre Dame? He just had a hunch.

#46 Hey, where did the log go? It split.

#47 To the guy who invented Zero: thanks for Nothing.

#48 I can't stop thinking about cysts, blisters, and boils. I'm abscessed!

#49 What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and an angry cow? You get two animals in a baaaaaad moooood.

#50 I started telling everybody about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

#51 Why is a fish my best friend? He always keeps it reel with me.

#52 After every catastrophic event, you can always find a man doing calculations. He is working in the aftermath.

#53 How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.

#54 Public Enemy's Chuck D has retired from music and is now pursuing a career in standup comedy, as Chuck L.

#55 What's the worst way to tell someone to stop making forgeries? "Knock it off."

#56 Why did the pirate walk with a limp? His arrrthritis.

#57 I'm working on a pilot for a new reality TV show that searches for the person with the most blotchy skin. The show's called, "America's Next Top Mottle."

#58 I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey. But I turned myself around.

#59 I once had a girlfriend who worked at the light switch factory. We dated on and off for a while.

#60 How do you drown a hipster? Throw him in the mainstream.

#61 Why was the pie standing on the street corner? It was meat'n potato.

#62 I just saw a sign that said "watch for kids." They only accept Rolex, unfortunately.

#63 The husband of a friend from the crossword club died a few weeks ago, and she asked me to say a word at the funeral. I said "Plethora." Afterwards she thanked me, and said it meant a lot.

#64 Three flies are in the kitchen, which one is the cowboy? The one on the range.

#65 Why did the baker insult the dough? He was trying to get a rise out of it!

#66 Is my wife mad at me? She's been making me sandwiches with deli sliced beef chuck. I think she's giving me the cold shoulder.

#67 What music do rabbits listen to? Hip-hop.

#68 I can't decide which suit accessory to wear. It's a tie.

#69 Why do Norwegian battle ships have barcodes painted on them? So they can Scandinavian.

#70 What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

#71 I've got a new job at the chess factory. I'm on knights next week.

#72 Biologists have successfully crossed a cantaloupe with a cauliflower. Consumers of the new varietal report a profound sense of sadness known as Meloncauli.

#73 A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

#74 I like to work out by lifting up homes next to the ocean. Thankfully, they are light houses.

#75 I got a loaf of sourdough as a prize in a race over the weekend. I guess this makes me the breadwinner in the family.

#76 What type of meat product is always ordering the other meat products around, telling them what to do and how to act? Kielbasi.

#77 Pirates never have to bathe before walking the plank. They just wash up on shore.

#78 I once owned a calzone business. The turnover rate was high.

#79 I paid a guy to map out a jogging route for me. He's giving me a run for my money.

#80 Why do cows have hooves? Because they lactose.

#81 My keys fell down a drain cover in a magnificent fashion. I said, "Well, that's just grate."

#82 I've got a business that makes vampire killing tools out of hemp, but it can be scary. It's high stakes.

#83 The zoo hired a specialized veterinarian to perform surgery on its biggest reptile. It was a large scale operation.

#84 My dog keeps chasing my neighbor's son on a bike. I'm sorry I bought the dog a bike.

#85 It seems like New Yorkers always complain about how trains don't run on time. But I always considered electricity a more reasonable alternative.

#86 Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

#87 A Frenchman lives down the road, and yesterday his gas main went up. His name was Napolean Blownapart.

#88 Geology rocks. But Geography is where it's at.

#89 Yesterday I went out birthday shopping. But they only have one per customer.

#90 What did the wise man say when the store clerk told him they were out of frankincense? "Myrrhhhhhh."

#91 What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

#92 My aunt was so cold and distant. We called her Arctica.

#93 If you're dating someone who doesn't like Star Wars puns, you're looking for love in Alderaan places.

#94 To whoever stole my place in line at the grocery store: I'm after you now.

#95 Why are peppers great at archery? They habanero.

#96 How did the angel answer the phone? Halo!

#97 Sherwood be awesome to be Robin Hood.

#98 I wanted to live by the seaside but couldn't afford it. The coast of living is just too high.

#99 My car battery died on the road and nobody bothered to stop and give me a boost. Don't even get me started.

#100 I walked into a restaurant, and the hostess asked if I had reservations. I said, "No, it looks like a clean enough place."

#101 Why do ducks have colorful tail feathers? To cover their quack.

#102 Why shouldn't you mess with pianists from London? Because they'll shank you with a sharp key.

#103 Where do cows like to go for fun? To the moooovies.

#104 There are three types of people in this world. Those who can count, and those who cannot.

#105 I asked a pirate if he knew what the first letter of the alphabet was. He said, "I."

#106 Age isn't just a number. It's actually a word.

#107 When Robin Hood's religious friend took up philosophy, he became the deep, fat friar.

#108 What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

#109 Why did the entrepreneur from Helsinki travel abroad? UnFinish business.

#110 With prices skyrocketing these days, I think I'll start investing in skyrockets.

#111 I used to hate facial hair. But then it grew on me.

#112 Why was 6 afraid of 0? Because 6 had nothing to be afraid of.

#113 I hired a handyman and gave him a to-do list. When I got home, only items 1, 3, and 5 had been done. Turns out he only does odd jobs.

#114 My wife was thrown into a police van when she left the music shop carrying trumpet polish. Unfortunately, she was arrested for possession of a band substance.

#115 Why did the Texas rancher take his prized Longhorn Bull to the cattle judging competition in Switzerland? He wanted to win the "No Bell" prize.

#116 I thought I got away with stealing that archery equipment by putting it in my knapsack, but now the police are after me. It feels like I have a target on my back.

#117 Which zoo animal should you never believe? Hippo-crits.

#118 Did you hear that the cheese shop burned down? All that was left was a pile of de-Brie.

#119 I've just finished reading a very popular book about the finest basement ever created. It was the best cellar.

#120 What did the injured sea mammal say to the shark? "Don't consume if seal is broken."

#121 I spotted an albino Dalmatian once. It was the least I could do for it.

#122 This new jam I tried was so good it was shocking. It was made from electrical currants.

#123 Why are frogs never annoyed? Because they eat what bugs them.

#124 I am having hard time deciding whether I should throw away my old pillow. I think I'll sleep on it.

#125 Why are sailors so accepting of other people's choices? Because of their philosophy, "Whatever floats your boat."

#126 I used to believe in not paying the electric bill. Those were dark times for me.

#127 I bought a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.

#128 What are you called if you make a dad joke but you're not a dad? A faux pa.

#129 People tell me, "Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know they mean well.

#130 My wife left me because I have an unhealthy obsession with pasta. Now that she's gone, I'm cannelloni.

#131 My neighbor damaged my luggage. When I took him to court we got there at 9:00 AM and were done by 9:15 AM. It was a brief case.

#132 What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.

#133 I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. You might not believe me, but I saw it with my own eyes.

#134 The inventor of the ballet skirt was really struggling with what to name it. Until he finally put Tu and Tu together.

#135 My worst dad jokes are the ones written on paper. They're all tearable.

#136 I'm having difficulty trying to sell my puppet collection. I need someone to take them off my hands.

#137 What's the difference between a pickle and a therapist? If you don't know, you should stop talking to your pickle.

#138 Will glass coffins ever become popular? Remains to be seen.

#139 My local gun club was thinking about building a blast proof wall so we can set off grenades and other explosives. That's something I can get behind.

#140 I'm reading a book about fake names. It's by Sue Denim.

#141 What did the priest say at the farm? Holy cow.

#142 How do you grow your professional network in prison? Via LockedIn.

#143 How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.

#144 Spaces between ladder rungs have increased because people are getting taller. Others claim it's due to climb it change.

#145 Why does a singer's voice bounce off an auditorium's walls, but a pigeon's doesn't? A "coo" sticks.

#146 You doubted my experience as an arborist. But I knew yew wood.

#147 Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.

#148 I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.

#149 Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

#150 I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.

#151 What did the busy chemist say to their valentine? "I think of U periodically."

#152 I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said, "Wii."

#153 How does a chicken practice crossing a busy road? It plays Frogger.

#154 I had to shut down my thriving lawn care business. It just wasn't worth the drama. Mow money, mow problems.

#155 Which part of a hospital has the most surveillance cameras? The ICU.

#156 I keep a loaf of sourdough locked in a cage. It's bread in captivity.

#157 Why can't all bears go to Australia? They have to be koala-fied.

#158 Why don't notebooks ever get lonely? Because they always have a lot of pages to turn to.

#159 What do you call a duck that broke into your house? A robber ducky.

#160 I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.

#161 What do you call two ninjas together? A pair of sneakers.

#162 To the person who stole my Microsoft Office: I will not rest until I find you. You have my Word.

#163 My housekeeper has been stealing from me but I can't seem to catch her in the act. She always makes a clean getaway.

#164 Did you know that private investigators use Google Chrome when investigating potential suspects? Apparently it's easier to keep tabs on people that way.

#165 I found stir fry all over my bed this morning. I must've been sleep wokking again.

#166 Why do beachgoers have trouble getting cell reception? No shoes, no shirt, no service.

#167 I made a chicken salad yesterday. It turns out they prefer grain.

#168 What do you call a plumbing apprenticeship? Potty training.

#169 I got eczema, diarrhoea, gonorrhoea, and haemorrhoids last week. First time I've ever won a game of Scrabble.

#170 I used to be addicted to soap. I'm clean now.

#171 I save my back exercise for the end: lats but not least.

#172 What happens if someone slaps you at high frequency? It Hertz.

#173 I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

#174 I gave up drinking and ate noodles instead. I've been soba for six months now.

#175 Did you know that the world's first time traveler was a Roman general? He could move centuries forward.

#176 When I worked at the quarry I was very meticulous. I never left a stone unturned.

#177 They were considering adding Hide and Seek to the 2024 Olympics. But good players were hard to find.

#178 Did you hear the joke about the guy who headbutted a tree? There was no punchline, just a facepalm.

#179 I never understood odorless chemicals. They never make scents.

#180 I almost never laugh at airplane jokes. They usually go right over my head.

#181 Why should you never buy mattresses from computer programmers? Because they might have bed bugs.

#182 When you can't stop telling everybody about how bad the performance of particular quartet piece was, is that disconcerting?

#183 Sundays are always a little sad. But the day before is a sadder day.

#184 I think my dog is a blacksmith. He keeps trying to make a bolt for the door.

#185 Why are chickens so annoying sometimes? Because they're really cocky.

#186 I started teaching a class on musical theory to senior citizens. It's old school.

#187 I just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.

#188 My wife bought a fancy designer dress that's adorned with push pins. Maybe I just don't understand fashion, but to me it looks really tacky.

#189 I was going to tell you a joke about boxing, but I forgot the punch line.

#190 Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the "P" is silent.

#191 I needed to heat up my cycling gear this morning. So I used my Lycrawave.

#192 What did the prince say when Cinderella caused a scene when she ran out of the ball? "The shoe must go on."

#193 What did the broken down car say when asked how he travels so much? "I only go where I'm towed."

#194 The girl I'm dating is always insisting we go to the playground to ride the seesaw. Like any relationship, it has its ups and downs.

#195 I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals. I M LIVID

#196 I was annoyed when my wife gave me a coffin for my birthday. I said, "This is the last thing that I need."

#197 I can't afford to play tennis anymore. I know the old saying "please tip your server," but it's costing me $50 in tips each game!

#198 Where do swords go when they die? The scimitary.

#199 What do you call an insect with a plaid shell? A laddie bug.

#200 I never used to like tumors. But they really grow on you.

#201 What kind of party do you throw for a mare who's getting married? A bridle shower.

#202 Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it.

#203 A guy walks into a bar, and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

#204 What do you call bears with no ears? B.

#205 When does a joke become a Dad Joke? When it becomes apparent.

#206 What do you get if you cross a dog with Penn & Teller? Two Labracadabradors.

#207 What country has its own dedicated description page in every website in the internet? The United States. It's always the page titled "About US."

#208 I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today. His mom got really angry.

#209 In what way is a brain biopsy calming? It gives you piece of mind.

#210 Where do cats study? At the A-cat-demy.

#211 What did the Sun say when it won an Oscar? "It was so great starring in this movie."

#212 I spent the last 12 hours welding together a belt using nothing but wrist watches, and it came out 10 sizes too big. It was a huge waist of time.

#213 I feel bad for Greek vegans. They never meat their gyros.

#214 My neighbor stole my fence and won't give it back. I'm so tired of the gatekeeping.

#215 My wife told me that quilts are better than duvets. I told her she should be careful making blanket statements.

#216 What did the drummer name his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two.

#217 When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

#218 I used to date a collector of Socialist paraphernalia. Needless to say, there were a lot of red flags in that relationship.

#219 My mom sent me to a child psychologist when I was younger. That kid didn't help me out at all.

#220 My daughter Anna tricked me into thinking there was a snake under my chair. Annaconda.

#221 Did you hear that Edgar Allen had a favorite plant? It was his Poetree.

#222 There are three unwritten rules to life: 1. 2. 3.

#223 I had good conversation with a dolphin the other day. We really clicked.

#224 What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

#225 Why did the chicken cross the Red Sea? Because he was making an eggs-odus.

#226 What snake is 3.14159365 meters long? A pi-thon.

#227 I saw a store with a sign that read, "Watch Batteries Installed: $5." But who would pay to watch batteries installed?

#228 What do you call a country that constantly puts stuff off? A procrasti-nation.

#229 Have you seen that new movie called The Tractor? I've only seen the trailer.

#230 I saw a man standing on one leg at the ATM. I was confused, so I asked him what he was doing. He replied, "Just checking my balance."

#231 To whoever stole my giant wall clock: You messed up big time.

#232 Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.

#233 What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? "HDMI."

#234 Mr. Spaghetti died last night. He pasta way.

#235 "You might become better with computers if you use my mouse," said my friend. I said, "Look buddy, I don't need your input."

#236 Remember when cosmetic surgery was taboo? Now if you mention Botox no one even raises an eyebrow.

#237 The waitress at the diner messed up my order of beef. It was a miss steak.

#238 What do you call a one eyed dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesaus.

#239 What do you call a hot dog in the winter? A chili dog.

#240 A dung beetle walks into a bar and says, "Is this stool taken?"

#241 I once tried to live on the roof of a museum. But everyone told me to not dwell on the past.

#242 Why did the man lose his job at the Lego factory? He kept falling to pieces.

#243 My fortune cookie didn't have a paper message in it today. It was unfortunate.

#244 What do you name your son if you give birth while driving to the hospital? Carson.

#245 What does Jeff Bezos do before bed? He puts on his Pyjamazons.

#246 When I was in high school my bike got smashed up, but it was my own fault, really. All I did was hand out leaflets that said, "Bullying: Let's break the cycle!"

#247 I saw these two suspicious looking owls. I think they were in co-hoots.

#248 We know very little about black holes. That really sucks.

#249 The girl screaming for a pony finally got a little hoarse.

#250 I can fight off a single triangle. But two of them can be pretty squary.

#251 What do you call a chainsaw with integrated AI? Cutting edge technology.

#252 What do you call the clear day after a rainy day? A Sunday.

#253 What do you have for breakfast on the day of a total eclipse? Eggs, sunny side down.

#254 I need a power strip to plug stuff into. Should I go an Outlet Mall?

#255 After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.

#256 I like The Rolling Stones, the Eagles, and pickles. I'm a huge fan of Vlasic rock.

#257 What did the 0 say to the 8? "Nice belt!"

#258 I passed out on the baggage carousel at the airport once. But I came around.

#259 How do you organize a space party? You planet.

#260 What do you call a piece of corn that gets promoted in the military? A colonel.

#261 The head of the British Secret Service was knighted by the King. He is now Sir Veillence.

#262 What's a spider's least favorite vegetable? Squash.

#263 If a group of crows is a "murder," then is a pair of crows attempted murder?

#264 Mint leaves. Come back, please!

#265 I was going to tell a railroad joke, but I lost my train of thought.

#266 What did the mommy coder make for her three little coder kids for dessert? Raspberry Pi.

#267 What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini? "Olive or Twist?"

#268 I met some aliens from outer space. They were pretty down to earth.

#269 What happened to the criminal who stole the Advent calendar? He got twenty-five days.

#270 Hello, I'm from the tax department. I'm here to bill Nye, the science guy.

#271 Did you know that you can't travel past the speed of light? Well, maybe you can, but I just don't see it happening.

#272 I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen ... I can feel it.

#273 Over the last 20 years, butter lost a lot of popularity. But it's on the ryes again.

#274 Recently, I told a lie in a movie audition so I could play the part of "The Invisible Man." But they saw right through me.

#275 What do you call a magician that's lost his magic? Ian.

#276 When driving an electric car, never turn onto a dead end street. You'll be stuck on a road with No Outlet.

#277 What do you call a potato who procrastinates? A hesi-tater.

#278 What's brown and sticky? A stick.

#279 As a teen I lived on a houseboat and dated the girl next door. Eventually we drifted apart.

#280 What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

#281 My doctor told me I'm going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.

#282 Why didn't the band U2 pay their legal fees last year? The lawyers were pro Bono.

#283 There are two types of people in this world: those who need closure.

#284 A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub turned over on the highway. Amazingly there was no congestion for 8 hours!

#285 What's weird about eating with cars? They usually tell you to pass the gas.

#286 What do you call a hotdog on wheels? Fast food.

#287 I got a clock implanted into my brain. It didn't take long before I started to get second thoughts.

#288 I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81. He said no.

#289 I got kicked out of a chess club for not dancing. The bouncer said "No walk king to knight, mate."

#290 Why shouldn't you visit an expensive wig shop? It's too high a price toupee.

#291 What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? Remorse code.

#292 A man died while he was eating a bowl of Cheez-Its. I guess you can say he had a square meal.

#293 I threw a ball for my dog. It's extravagant, I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a tuxedo.

#294 What year comes right after the year 1789 when the French Revolution began? The year 17. Because 789.

#295 My wife asked why I'd hung bunches of grapes up to dry all round the house. I told her I have my raisins.

#296 The police arrested me and accused me of stealing a complete set of encyclopedias. I said to them, "Hang on, I can explain everything!"

#297 Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't too special but the reception was incredible.

#298 To the person who stole my spectacles, I will find you! I have contacts.

#299 I seem to be negative about giving blood, but I'm trying to B+.

#300 I played a prank on my friend the other day by taking all the lamps in his house. Thankfully, he wasn't mad. He was delighted.

#301 What is a pirate's favorite socks? Arrrrr-gyles.

#302 What lies at the bottom of the ocean and robs banks? Billy the Squid.

#303 What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newly-webs.

#304 I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

#305 I'm beginning to think that I have a terrible posture. Call it a hunch.

#306 Last night, a rancher went on a long sleepwalk. Luckily, he came to his fences.

#307 Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.

#308 Why are piggy banks so wise? Because they're filled with common cents.

#309 What does a house wear to a party? Address.

#310 My boss said I'm the most counterproductive employee here. I'm really doing well at the countertop factory.

#311 Ego and Superego walked into a bar. The bartender said, "I need to see ID."

#312 Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.

#313 What cheese is made backwards? Edam.

#314 What did the goose say at the disco? "Get down!"

#315 What did the gladiator say about getting a thumb's down at the Coliseum? "It's a killer."

#316 I thought I won the argument with my wife about how to arrange our dining room furniture. But when I got home, the tables were turned.

#317 People say you hit your prime when you turn 23, but you also hit it at 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

#318 I've only got two, maybe three good Motown puns in me. Four Tops.

#319 How did the pirate get the ship for so cheap? He arrrrr-gued the price down.

#320 Would you like some packs of dead batteries? They're free of charge.

#321 How do you cut the ocean in half? With a sea-saw.

#322 After buying my limousine, I couldn't afford a driver. All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

#323 Why did the spud talk through the soccer match? Because he's a commen-tator.

#324 What do you call a man sleeping next to a bull? A bulldozer.

#325 Why do monarchs feel so important? Because small changes in their initial conditions can lead to large-scale and unpredictable variation in the future state of the system.

#326 I just had my 32nd birthday. Really enjoyed that half minute.

#327 What did the emo dolphin say to the other dolphins? "Life has no porpoise."

#328 Which two fairy tale characters tell the best dad jokes? Punnochio and Rapunzel.

#329 I threw my phone and it broke. I guess airplane mode doesn't work.

#330 I came up with a new recipe for cooking pink salmon that uses vanilla extract. I'm calling it salmon 'nilla. I think it might catch on.

#331 Before finding fame, Dolly Parton used to work all day as a dog-sitter. Walking canine til 5.

#332 Whenever I take my kids and the neighbor's kids to school, I refuse to go through the mountain. I'll always pick the overpass. I guess I have Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

#333 Did you hear about the horse trailer that overturned on the highway this morning? Don't worry, everyone's in stable condition.

#334 Why did the Cyclops have to close his tutoring service down? He only had one pupil.

#335 I had a sore throat today and was desperate to find a sucking candy. I asked around and finally got one. What a lifesaver!

#336 My wife said she was fed up with my addiction and demanded I quit cold turkey. But man, I LOVE cold turkey.

#337 I dropped a bag of flour at the grocery store. I went to pick it up but the assistant said, "Don't bother, it's self-rising."

#338 I just was given the worst thesaurus I've ever seen. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

#339 What do you call a doctor on a plane? A flight attending.

#340 I'll never forget my grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket. He said, "Do you wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

#341 I told the nurse I was bitten by a wolf. "Where?" she asked. "No. Regular."

#342 I once went out with a one legged girl who worked in a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.

#343 I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

#344 I'm worried about the calendar. It's days are numbered.

#345 What was a ground-breaking invention? The shovel.

#346 If I have a landyours, then you have a landmine.

#347 You know those jokes about other jokes? I've never meta joke like that I didn't like.

#348 I knew a woman who set fire to all her outstanding bills. Her name was Bernadette.

#349 As I was struggling with the torn force-flex, I thought: These Glad bags are garbage.

#350 I accidentally passed my wife a glue stick instead of her chapstick. She's still not talking to me.

#351 Hugh Jackman stopped a serial arsonist from burning down another local flower shop. Proving once again that only Hugh can prevent florist fires.

#352 What do you call a group of monks visiting Hungary? Buddhapest.

#353 What do you call a crocodile who found a treasure? Crockpot.

#354 If you tell your kids that there aren't any male cattle, it's a no bull lie.

#355 What is a dog's favorite leafy green? Arooogula.

#356 Most people are shocked when they find out I am a bad electrician.

#357 I'm going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes. I'm going to call it Pungent.

#358 How did the time traveler fix his broken watch? He went back in time to "re-wind" it.

#359 I like to go to bed with music on. It gives me sound sleep.

#360 I don't understand why Sauron forged "one ring to rule them all." I mean, who uses a ring to measure others and not a ruler?

#361 Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.

#362 How many members are there in the Flat Earth Society? Their website says they have over a million members globally.

#363 I lost 25% of my roof in that storm. Oof.

#364 Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.

#365 I'd tell you about the chemistry of spy films. But the bonds are too unstable.

#366 For our first date, I took my girlfriend to the ice rink where entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.

#367 What is Mary Poppins's favorite Starbucks drink? A super caramel oat milk frappe cuz she don't know what lactose is.

#368 Justice is a dish best served cold. Otherwise, it's just water.

#369 What do you call a bear without teeth? Gummy bear.

#370 Parties with ghosts are always fun. They're so spook-tacular!

#371 I can build a boat. Canoe?

#372 When the chips are down, you can figure out where the buffalo was!

#373 If you've never tried blind target shooting, you don't know what you're missing.

#374 Why do dogs float in water? Because they're good buoys.

#375 There's this guy who used to be famous for taking showers in front of massive audiences. He's all washed up now.

#376 Did you know scuba is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Tuba is also an acronym, for Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

#377 What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

#378 My obese parrot died today. Sad, but it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

#379 You gotta hand it to short people. Or put it on a lower shelf.

#380 Sometimes Luke Skywalker can't help but to dress up like a nun. It's a force of habit.

#381 I suffer from kleptomania. But when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

#382 I searched the kitchen for a banana or apple, but my quest was fruitless.

#383 I was so angry about my computer that I ripped out its GPU and smashed it. I'm sorry for the display of graphic violence.

#384 Lately, I haven't been comfortable in my own skin. I really need to do something about this eczema.

#385 What do you call a factory that sells good products? A satis-factory.

#386 I got a bad sunburn the other day. Now my skin is losing its a-peel.

#387 Where do bad rainbows go? Prism. It's a light sentence, and gives them time to reflect.

#388 Why was the banker sad? He didn't add up.

#389 Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.

#390 What does a clock do if it's still hungry after a meal? It goes back 4 seconds.

#391 Five ants rented an apartment with another five ants. Now they're tenants

#392 I survived falling from 12 story building. From the first floor, but still, the building was tall.

#393 How do you get a country girl to like you? A tractor.

#394 How do trees access the internet? They log in.

#395 What do you call a citrus that likes to wander? A meanderin' orange.

#396 What do you call a country that doesn't exist? A halluci-nation.

#397 Did you know that the man who invented the Ferris wheel never met the man who invited the merry-go-round? They traveled in different circles.

#398 It's been a long time coming, but my wife finally confiscated our daughter's markers. The writing has been on the wall for a while.

#399 After my grumpy Grandpa moved back to his hometown, a cool elderly man with flamboyant clothing moved in. He was my Grandpa's hip replacement.

#400 What do dentists call X-rays? Tooth pics.

#401 Who performs root canals in the Army? A drill sergeant.

#402 Who is this guy named Pete? And why do we do things for his sake?

#403 I was named after my grandfather. About 60 years after.

#404 What word becomes shorter when you add two letters? Short.

#405 What's a place called where hobbits can't live? Uninhobbitable.

#406 What happened to the robot that used its AC adapter to attack a person? It was charged with battery.

#407 How much does a chimney cost? Nothing, it's on the house.

#408 What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

#409 I made the mistake of living with my grammar teacher for the last seven years. Now we're married by comma law.

#410 Have you heard about the porcupine on the debate team? He has a lot of good points.

#411 Why don't dogs pay taxes for their meals? Because they're all under the table.

#412 So you know the state above Texas? Well, it's OK.

#413 How did those felines get so rich? Catpitalism.

#414 Did you know that liquid butane actually floats on liquid water? Scientists say this is because butane is a lighter fluid.

#415 Why do teenage girls only hang out in odd-numbered groups? Because they just can't even.

#416 A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collided in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.

#417 What's blue and not heavy? Light blue.

#418 Now I know why I hate the airport in Los Angeles. They seem to have a very LAX attitude about everything.

#419 Why do crustaceans make bad friends? Because they're shellfish.

#420 Why did the hungry rowboat captain reach for his spyglass? He thought he spotted a meaty oar.

#421 Why does everyone in Athens sleep past noon? Because dawn is hard on Greece.

#422 What is a common feature of cemetery lanes? They have dead ends.

#423 Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

#424 My dad asked me if I was an organ donor. He's a man after my own heart.

#425 I submitted 10 puns to a joke writing contest, hoping one would win. No pun in ten did.

#426 What do you call two ghosts who act like regular people? Paranormals.

#427 I wanted to marry a carbon 14 expert, but all she wanted to do was date.

#428 What did the earthquake say when it was done? "Sorry, my fault!"

#429 What's the difference between a pet rock and a boulder? Overfeeding.

#430 What does a fake blacksmith make? Forgeries.

#431 What do you get when you combine Calcium, Sulfur, and Hydrogen? CaSH.

#432 April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.

#433 Did you hear about the bankrupt poet? He ode everyone.

#434 What country's capital is growing the fastest? Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.

#435 I recently took a pole. I saw that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.

#436 I really hate using my vacuum cleaner. It just sucks.

#437 I just read that in 20 years, Madagascar will be called Mada-EV.

#438 My tree was dying so I tried repairing it with duct tape. For some reason, it just woodn't stick.

#439 Singing in the shower is fun until you get suds in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.

#440 I told a joke on a Zoom meeting but nobody laughed. It turns out I'm not remotely funny.

#441 How do Australian chess masters pay for dinner? With a checkmate.

#442 Where do boats go when they're sick? To the boat doc.

#443 I named my dogs Timex and Rolex. They're my watchdogs.

#444 Where does a pirate buy his hooks? At the second hand store.

#445 Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.

#446 Whose artwork is the best on sandwiches? Obviously Manet's.

#447 If your house is too small for a pantry, perhaps you could fit a panbush?

#448 I burned my Hawaiian pizza. I should have baked it on aloha temperature.

#449 Why is it so hard to eat grandfather clocks? Because it's time consuming.

#450 I think I might start a business where I sell records of grunge music. I think I'll call it Nirvinyl.

#451 Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.

#452 Why do ladybugs never want to play hide and seek? Because they are always spotted.

#453 Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

#454 Why did the boy fall off the swing? He had no arms.

#455 Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.

#456 Is flying to Stockholm too expensive? Then let me Sweden the deal for you with a discount coupon.

#457 Did you hear about the cat who ate a ball of yarn? She had mittens.

#458 Why is a broken drum the best present to give somebody? No one can beat it.

#459 What do you call a drink that hurts you? Cham-pain.

#460 What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide.

#461 I really regret pouring baked beans into my eyeballs. But I guess that's the benefit of Heinzsight.

#462 My mother told me to add mixed herbs to the Christmas stuffing. It was sage advice.

#463 I can trust some trees. But not the shady ones.

#464 Why did the beaver write a letter to Santa Claus? Because he wanted a new log for Christmas to spruce up his dam.

#465 This month's meeting of the Autopsy Aficionados Society was held last night at the local comedy club. It was Open Mike night.

#466 I'm not superstitious. I am just a bit stitious, though.

#467 Here's a good joke for you: A good joke.

#468 The book I ordered about clocks finally arrived. It's about time.

#469 Why do bovines make great mathematicians? Because they're good at doing complex cow-culations.

#470 Did you hear about the depressed French chef? He lost his huile d'olive.

#471 You'll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist. Everyone.

#472 My pottery class couldn't be going better. I'm kiln it.

#473 Studies have shown that cows produce more milk when you talk to them. It's in one ear and out the udder.

#474 It's hard to get into this prestigious Puppeteer Academy. You need to pull a few strings.

#475 What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

#476 Why do the French eat snails? They don't like fast food.

#477 I was going to tell you a joke about time travel, but you didn't like it.

#478 What do you call a sassy floating fire? Flamebuoyant.

#479 I've started a new job taking care of horses. It provides a stable income.

#480 I want to tell you about a woman who eats plants. You've probably never heard of herbivore.

#481 I am a man of my word. That word is "unreliable."

#482 What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo? A pouch potato.

#483 What do you call a sea creature who got criminal charges taken off their record? Expunge Bob.

#484 Oxygen and potassium went on a date. It went OK.

#485 My friend was a brilliant musician but an awful driver. He once drove off a clef after getting into a treble accident.

#486 Criminals stole all the wheels off a cop car. Now the police are working tirelessly to find them.

#487 What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

#488 Why are soccer players never hungry on match day? There are always some subs warming up on the sidelines.

#489 Important thing about jokes. Conciseness.

#490 Other than humans, what animals are the most talkative? Yaks.

#491 I've dedicated the last ten years of my life to developing a vehicle for large mammals. Finally, I'm ready to reveal my invention to the world, but I'm nervous that it won't work. There's a lot riding on it.

#492 Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

#493 Did you know deer can jump higher than the average house? It's because of their strong hind legs and the fact that the average house can't jump.

#494 What's green and likes to insult people? A provocado.

#495 Today I found out that there are breeds of fish with no eyes. Or should I say, breeds of fsh.

#496 I wrote a list of things I needed to do to prepare for the theatrical production at my school. I finished with the costumes today, so that's one more thing I can Chekhov.

#497 What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.

#498 My uncle lost his left side in a motorcycle accident. He's all right now.

#499 Did you hear about the chicken that got his house at half price? He had a coopon.

#500 The cops nabbed the criminal architect. They found his blueprints everywhere at the scene.

#501 So long, boiling water. You will be mist.

#502 I'm tired of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they are going and meet up with them later.

#503 Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

#504 Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts.

#505 What did one nut say as he chased another nut? I'm a cashew!

#506 Where do fish keep their money? In the riverbank

#507 I accidentally took my cats meds last night. Don’t ask meow.

#508 Chances are if you' ve seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

#509 Dermatologists are always in a hurry. They spend all day making rash decisions.

#510 I knew I shouldn't steal a mixer from work, but it was a whisk I was willing to take.

#511 I won an argument with a weather forecaster once. His logic was cloudy...

#512 How come the stadium got hot after the game? Because all of the fans left.

#513 "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?" "Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels."

#514 Why was it called the dark ages? Because of all the knights.

#515 A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

#516 Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.

#517 Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a roman catholic.

#518 What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.

#519 I'll tell you what often gets over looked... garden fences.

#520 Why did the kid cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

#521 Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it's too far to walk.

#522 What is a centipedes's favorite Beatle song? I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand...

#523 My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience. The second time let me down.

#524 To be Frank, I'd have to change my name.

#525 Slept like a log last night … woke up in the fireplace.

#526 What do you call a female snake. misssssssss

#527 Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock? Because it's a little meteor.

#528 I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop signing "I'm A Believer"... Then I saw her face.

#529 I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why.

#530 What do you call two barracuda fish? A Pairacuda!

#531 What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato whilst on a family walk? Ketchup.

#532 Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.

#533 What do you do on a remote island? Try and find the TV island it belongs to.

#534 Did you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic.

#535 Dad I’m hungry’ … ‘Hi hungry I’m dad

#536 I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday. I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

#537 Whoever invented the knock-knock joke should get a no bell prize.

#538 Wife: Honey I’m pregnant. Me: Well…. what do we do now? Wife: Well, I guess we should go to a baby doctor. Me: Hm.. I think I’d be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.

#539 Have you heard the story about the magic tractor? It drove down the road and turned into a field.

#540 When will the little snake arrive? I don't know but he won't be long...

#541 Why was Pavlov's beard so soft? Because he conditioned it.

#542 Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty

#543 Why did the kid throw the clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly!

#544 Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

#545 Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie? Because it was rated arrr!

#546 It was so cold yesterday my computer froze. My own fault though, I left too many windows open.

#547 Man, I really love my furniture... me and my recliner go way back.

#548 What did the traffic light say to the car as it passed? "Don't look I'm changing!"

#549 My son is studying to be a surgeon, I just hope he makes the cut.

#550 Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

#551 What did one wall say to the other wall? I'll meet you at the corner!

#552 Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

#553 I once lost a banana at court but then I appealed.

#554 Conjunctivitis.com – now that’s a site for sore eyes.

#555 How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazilian

#556 I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

#557 What do you call two guys hanging out by your window? Kurt & Rod.

#558 Why was the robot angry? Because someone kept pressing his buttons!

#559 Which is the fastest growing city in the world? Dublin'

#560 A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.

#561 What do you call a snake who builds houses? A boa constructor!

#562 What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.

#563 I went to a Foo Fighters Concert once... It was Everlong...

#564 Why did the sentence fail the driving test? It never came to a full stop.

#565 Some people eat light bulbs. They say it's a nice light snack.

#566 What's the difference between a rooster and a crow? A rooster can crow but a crow cannot rooster.

#567 I went to the store to pick up eight cans of sprite... when I got home I realized I'd only picked seven up

#568 I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.

#569 Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

#570 When people are sad, I sometimes let them colour in my tattoos. Sometimes all they need is a shoulder to crayon.

#571 Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

#572 I got a reversible jacket for Christmas, I can't wait to see how it turns out.

#573 What do you get when you cross a pig and a pineapple? A porky pine

#574 What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented? Lil Caesars

#575 Why did the banana go to the doctor? He was not "peeling" well.

#576 My pet mouse 'Elvis' died last night. He was caught in a trap..

#577 Never take advice from electrons. They are always negative.

#578 Why are oranges the smartest fruit? Because they are made to concentrate.

#579 A girl once asked me what my heart desired, apparently blood, oxygen and neural messages were all wrong answers

#580 Why is it always hot in the corner of a room? Because a corner is 90 degrees.

#581 What did the beaver say to the tree? It's been nice gnawing you.

#582 How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern? You use a pumpkin patch.

#583 Why do cows not have toes? They lactose!

#584 What did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I’ll ketch up

#585 I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

#586 I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

#587 When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

#588 I made a belt out of watches once... It was a waist of time.

#589 Why did Mozart kill all his chickens? Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"

#590 This furniture store keeps emailing me, all I wanted was one night stand!

#591 How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for fresh prints.

#592 My sister bet me $15 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.

#593 My boss told me to have a good day... so I went home.

#594 I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it.

#595 Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? Dunno, they're just a bit shady.

#596 If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is not for you!

#597 I'd like to start a diet, but I've got too much on my plate right now.

#598 What did the drummer name her twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two...

#599 What kind of music do mummy's like? Rap

#600 I remember when I was a kid, I opened my fridge and noticed one of my vegetables were crying. I guess I have some emotional cabbage.

#601 What's large, grey, and doesn't matter? An irrelephant.

#602 Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition and finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective.

#603 A book just fell on my head. I only have my shelf to blame.

#604 What did the dog say to the two trees? Bark bark.

#605 I've got a joke about vegetables for you... but it's a bit corny.

#606 If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

#607 Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it'd be a foot!

#608 Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

#609 What do you call a boy who stopped digging holes? Douglas.

#610 What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

#611 Why should you never trust a pig with a secret? Because it's bound to squeal.

#612 Why are mummys scared of vacation? They're afraid to unwind.

#613 Whiteboards ... are remarkable.

#614 What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep? A stega-snore-us.

#615 What has three letters and starts with gas? A Car.

#616 What’s Forest Gump’s Facebook password? 1forest1

#617 What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree!

#618 Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’

#619 I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.

#620 How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten-tickles!

#621 Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle? Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.

#622 What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.

#623 I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

#624 My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together... I totally nailed it!

#625 What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport? Squash.

#626 Recent survey revealed 6 out of 7 dwarf's aren't happy.

#627 What do you call corn that joins the army? Kernel.

#628 I've been trying to come up with a dad joke about momentum . . . but I just can't seem to get it going.

#629 ‘Put the cat out’ … ‘I didn’t realize it was on fire

#630 Why don't skeletons ride roller coasters? They don't have the stomach for it.

#631 Is there a hole in your shoe? No… Then how’d you get your foot in it?

#632 Every night at 11:11, I make a wish that someone will come fix my broken clock.

#633 Two muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and says, “man, it’s really hot in here”. The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers, “WHOA, a talking muffin!”

#634 What's the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!

#635 Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off? It reads “Small medium at large.”

#636 Why don't sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

#637 Just read a few facts about frogs. They were ribbiting.

#638 Two satellites decided to get married. The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible.

#639 What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

#640 What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer? Quacks in the pavement.

#641 They tried to make a diamond shaped like a duck. It quacked under the pressure.

#642 Where’s the bin? Dad: I haven’t been anywhere!

#643 My wife said I was immature. So I told her to get out of my fort.

#644 Why did the knife dress up in a suit? Because it wanted to look sharp

#645 How do you make a water bed more bouncy. You use Spring Water

#646 I considered building the patio by myself. But I didn't have the stones.

#647 In my career as a lumberjack I cut down exactly 52,487 trees. I know because I kept a log.

#648 Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection.

#649 What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep? A bah-humbug.

#650 What did one snowman say to the other snow man? Do you smell carrot?

#651 "Dad, do you think it's going to snow this winter?" "I dont know, its all up in the air"

#652 Why do bees hum? Because they don't know the words.

#653 What do you call a troublesome Canadian high schooler? A poutine.

#654 A magician was driving down the street and then he turned into a driveway.

#655 Don't trust atoms. They make up everything.

#656 If you walk into a forest and cut down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you cut it down, do you think it's stumped?

#657 Where do bees go to the bathroom? The BP station.

#658 What is the best way to carve? Whittle by whittle.

#659 What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!

#660 Why did the tree go to the dentist? It needed a root canal.

#661 It was raining cats and dogs the other day. I almost stepped in a poodle.

#662 Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Because they might peel!

#663 What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB.

#664 I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.

#665 A farmer had 297 cows, when he rounded them up, he found he had 300

#666 What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

#667 I’ve got this disease where I can’t stop making airport puns. The doctor says it terminal.

#668 Somebody stole my Microsoft Office and they're going to pay - you have my Word.

#669 What concert costs only 45 cents? 50 cent featuring Nickelback.

#670 I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked. Then it just clicked.

#671 What did the green grape say to the purple grape? BREATH!!

#672 What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice? A Popsicle.

#673 Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and asks, "do you smell fish?"

#674 Bad at golf? Join the club.

#675 I had a pair of racing snails. I removed their shells to make them more aerodynamic, but they became sluggish.

#676 What do you call a pile of cats? A Meowtain.

#677 How do hens stay fit? They always egg-cercise!

#678 Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

#679 What do you give a sick lemon? Lemonaid.

#680 What do you call an old snowman? Water.

#681 I tried to milk a cow today, but was unsuccessful. Udder failure.

#682 I just got fired from a florist, apparently I took too many leaves.

#683 Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with.

#684 What does a female snake use for support? A co-Bra!

#685 "Dad, I'm cold." "Go stand in the corner, I hear it's 90 degrees."

#686 Child: Dad, make me a sandwich. Dad: Poof! You're a sandwich.

#687 which flower is most fierce? Dandelion

#688 Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin.

#689 What kind of bagel can fly? A plain bagel.

#690 How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!

#691 What do you call a careful wolf? Aware wolf.

#692 I was just looking at my ceiling. Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.

#693 Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups? Because they can't even.

#694 “My Dog has no nose.” “How does he smell?” “Awful”

#695 What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

#696 Why are snake races so exciting? They're always neck and neck.

#697 Why did the half blind man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!

#698 As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.

#699 What do bees do after they are married? They go on a honeymoon.

#700 If I could name myself after any Egyptian god, I'd be Set.

#701 Why doesn't the Chimney-Sweep call out sick from work? Because he's used to working with a flue.

#702 It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they take everything literally.

#703 It's difficult to say what my wife does, she sells sea shells by the sea shore.

#704 Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.

#705 What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!

#706 what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks? a labracadabrador

#707 Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news? Patient: Good news please. Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.

#708 Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

#709 I tried to write a chemistry joke, but could never get a reaction.

#710 I gave my friend 10 puns hoping that one of them would make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

#711 What do computers and air conditioners have in common? They both become useless when you open windows.

#712 What do you call a monkey in a mine field? A babooooom!

#713 Scientists finally did a study on forks. It's about tine!

#714 I cut my finger cutting cheese. I know it may be a cheesy story but I feel grate now.

#715 How do you steal a coat? You jacket.

#716 Why don't you find hippopotamuses hiding in trees? They're really good at it.

#717 what happens when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo ? A woolly jumper!

#718 I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down.

#719 Want to hear a joke about construction? Nah, I'm still working on it.

#720 My friend told me that pepper is the best seasoning for a roast, but I took it with a grain of salt.

#721 Just watched a documentary about beavers… It was the best damn program I’ve ever seen.

#722 Why do choirs keep buckets handy? So they can carry their tune

#723 Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's ok, he woke up.

#724 I asked my date to go to the gym the other day. They never showed up. That's when I knew we wouldn't work out.

#725 You will never guess what Elsa did to the balloon. She let it go.

#726 Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.

#727 Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

#728 Why can't eggs have love? They will break up too soon.

#729 You can't run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it's past tents.

#730 They're making a movie about clocks. It's about time

#731 I’ve just been reading a book about anti-gravity, it’s impossible to put down!

#732 Archaeology really is a career in ruins.

#733 Have you ever seen fruit preserves being made? It's jarring.

#734 I was going to get a brain transplant, but I changed my mind

#735 Have you heard about the owl sanctuary job opening? It’s all night shifts but they’re all a hoot over there.

#736 I boiled a funny bone last night and had a laughing stock

#737 Why can't you use "Beef stew" as a password? Because it's not stroganoff.

#738 Animal Fact #25: Most bobcats are not named bob.

#739 What did the piece of bread say to the knife? Butter me up.

#740 Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man.

#741 They say Dodger Stadium can hold up to fifty-six thousand people, but that is just a ballpark figure.

#742 Some people say that I never got over my obsession with Phil Collins. But take a look at me now.

#743 Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.

#744 It takes guts to be an organ donor.

#745 The rotation of earth really makes my day.

#746 How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

#747 A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’

#748 I saw an ad in a shop window, "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full", I thought, "I can't turn that down".

#749 What kind of dog lives in a particle accelerator? A Fermilabrador Retriever.

#750 I always wanted to look into why I procrastinate, but I keep putting it off.

#751 What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.

#752 Guy told me today he did not know what cloning is. I told him, "that makes 2 of us."

#753 I was so proud when I finished the puzzle in six months, when on the side it said three to four years.

#754 Where did you learn to make ice cream? Sunday school.

#755 Coffee has a tough time at my house, every morning it gets mugged.

#756 A quick shoutout to all of the sidewalks out there... Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

#757 Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.

#758 What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup. Anyone can roast beef, but nobody can pee soup.

#759 Leather is great for sneaking around because it's made of hide.

#760 What do you get if you cross a turkey with a ghost? A poultry-geist!

#761 People are making apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.

#762 What is the tallest building in the world? The library – it’s got the most stories!

#763 What kind of magic do cows believe in? MOODOO.

#764 What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.

#765 Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up

#766 I just broke my guitar. It's okay, I won't fret

#767 It's only a murder of crows if there's probable caws.

#768 How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? Let's go ride bikes!

#769 Where do hamburgers go to dance? The meat-ball.

#770 I invented a new word! Plagiarism!

#771 Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?

#772 What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

#773 What did the big flower say to the littler flower? Hi, bud!

#774 I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

#775 Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.

#776 Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital? The hip Doctor!

#777 Why was ten scared of seven? Because seven ate nine.

#778 What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose? Hare spray.

#779 I applied to be a doorman but didn't get the job due to lack of experience. That surprised me, I thought it was an entry level position.

#780 I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition

#781 A boy dug three holes in the yard. When his mother saw, she exclaimed: "well, well, well"

#782 Why do nurses carry around red crayons? Sometimes they need to draw blood.

#783 Why was the shirt happy to hang around the tank top? Because it was armless

#784 Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

#785 "I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.

#786 Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert? Because she was stuffed.

#787 I don't trust sushi, there's something fishy about it.

#788 New atoms frequently lose electrons when they fail to keep an ion them.

#789 Did you hear the one about the giant pickle? He was kind of a big dill.

#790 Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.

#791 How many bones are in the human hand? A handful of them.

#792 A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently the survivors are marooned.

#793 I've just written a song about a tortilla. Well, it is more of a rap really.

#794 Can February march? No, but April may.

#795 So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says “Give me some chap-stick… and put it on my bill”

#796 Egyptians claimed to invent the guitar, but they were such lyres.

#797 Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.

#798 What is a witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling!

#799 What do you call a crowd of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

#800 Which side of the chicken has more feathers? The outside.

#801 Remember, the best angle to approach a problem from is the "try" angle.

#802 Why are fish easy to weigh? Because they have their own scales.

#803 What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer.

#804 Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.

#805 This morning I was wondering where the sun was, but then it dawned on me.

#806 Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.

#807 What did the sea say to the sand? "We have to stop meeting like this."

#808 Why is it so windy inside an arena? All those fans.

#809 A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?” The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”

#810 I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

#811 “Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places” Doctor “Well don’t go to those places.”

#812 Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom!

#813 What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles.

#814 Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted

#815 Don’t interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. Chances are, you’ll hear some crosswords.

#816 Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

#817 What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.

#818 Why did the clown have neck pain? - Because he slept funny

#819 What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? Look, no hands!

#820 A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.

#821 How was the snow globe feeling after the storm? A little shaken.

#822 Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid? Neither did he.

#823 Did you hear about the campsite that got visited by Bigfoot? It got in tents.

#824 I saw a documentary on TV last night about how they put ships together. It was rivetting.

#825 What did the Red light say to the Green light? Don't look at me I'm changing!

#826 What did the ocean say to the beach? Thanks for all the sediment.

#827 What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells!

#828 What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.

#829 Why did the melons plan a big wedding? Because they cantaloupe!

#830 Yesterday I confused the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza". Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

#831 What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign Language

#832 What do birds give out on Halloween? Tweets.

#833 I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.

#834 Velcro… What a rip-off.

#835 Have you heard the rumor going around about butter? Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.

#836 Every morning when I go out, I get hit by bicycle. Every morning! It's a vicious cycle.

#837 What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad.

#838 I fear for the calendar, its days are numbered.

#839 I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

#840 The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

#841 What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk? A fowl smell!

#842 Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident? To the I.C.U.

#843 As I get older, I think of all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't such a good idea.

#844 How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.

#845 Where do sheep go to get their hair cut? The baa-baa shop.

#846 Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

#847 Why did the miner get fired from his job? He took it for granite...

#848 What did the hat say to the scarf? You can hang around. I'll just go on ahead.

#849 Where do cats write notes? Scratch Paper!

#850 Why is the new Kindle screen textured to look like paper? So you feel write at home.

#851 When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.

#852 No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.

#853 What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

#854 When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology. It always was my achilles elbow

#855 Why did the cookie cry? It was feeling crumby.

#856 What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? "HDMI"

#857 How do you make a 'one' disappear? You add a 'g' and it's 'gone'

#858 Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet. We're a cover band.

#859 Where do you learn to make banana splits? At sundae school.

#860 Nurse: Doctor, there's a patient that says he's invisible. Doctor: Well, tell him I can't see him right now!

#861 What was a more important invention than the first telephone? The second one.

#862 What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

#863 What do you do when your bunny gets wet? You get your hare dryer.

#864 Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet? But most just have 4.

#865 There are two types of people in this world, those who can extrapolate from incomplete data...

#866 Why did the fireman wear red, white, and blue suspenders? To hold his pants up.

#867 In the news a courtroom artist was arrested today, I'm not surprised, he always seemed sketchy.

#868 I wanted to be a tailor but I didn't suit the job

#869 What do you call someone with no nose? Nobody knows.

#870 What do you call a girl between two posts? Annette.

#871 What do you call a criminal going down the stairs? Condescending

#872 What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

#873 I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

#874 Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? It's two-tired.

#875 What does a pirate pay for his corn? A buccaneer!

#876 Astronomers got tired watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours. They decided to call it a day.

#877 My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad I had to take his bike away.

#878 I ate a clock yesterday. It was so time consuming.

#879 Two dyslexics walk into a bra.

#880 I been watching a channel on TV that is strictly just about origami — of course it is paper-view.

#881 Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

#882 Is the pool safe for diving? It deep ends.

#883 Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.

#884 My wife told me to rub the herbs on the meat for better flavor. That's sage advice.

#885 A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

#886 Ben & Jerry's really need to improve their operation. The only way to get there is down a rocky road.

#887 How are false teeth like stars? They come out at night!

#888 What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

#889 I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. It was bread in captivity.

#890 Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

#891 How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

#892 What is this movie about? It is about 2 hours long.

#893 Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrr!

#894 Where does Fonzie like to go for lunch? Chick-Fil-Eyyyyyyyy.

#895 How does a dyslexic poet write? Inverse.

#896 Don't tell secrets in corn fields. Too many ears around.

#897 What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!

#898 Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E? Because he had a vowel movement.

#899 Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.

#900 Why did the opera singer go sailing? They wanted to hit the high Cs.

#901 Bought a new jacket suit the other day and it burst into flames. Well, it was a blazer

#902 Whats a penguins favorite relative? Aunt Arctica.

#903 Never Trust Someone With Graph Paper... They're always plotting something.

#904 What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.

#905 What do you call a group of disorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe.

#906 What is bread's favorite number? Leaven.

#907 Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent.

#908 How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed? Your head hits the ceiling!

#909 How do you teach a kid to climb stairs? There is a step by step guide.

#910 Where do owls go to buy their baby clothes? The owlet malls.

#911 Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships? So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.

#912 What's the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher? They can't control their pupils.

#913 What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn? A metro-gnome

#914 Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo trophy. How low can you go?

#915 Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

#916 Mountains aren't just funny, they are hill areas

#917 I was going to learn how to juggle, but I didn't have the balls.

#918 The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.

#919 Why was the strawberry sad? Its parents were in a jam.

#920 I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

#921 Why are ghosts bad liars? Because you can see right through them!

#922 Every machine in the coin factory broke down all of a sudden without explanation. It just doesn’t make any cents.

#923 Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base? Because there’s a Shortstop in between!

#924 What do you do when you see a space man? Park your car, man.

#925 If you want a job in the moisturizer industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.

#926 Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peek-a-boo accident? To the I.C.U.

#927 When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.

#928 How do you make Lady Gaga cry? Poker face.

#929 What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra.

#930 I was in an 80's band called the prevention. We were better than the cure.

#931 What did Michael Jackson name his denim store? Billy Jeans!

#932 People saying 'boo! to their friends has risen by 85% in the last year.... That's a frightening statistic.

#933 Geology rocks, but Geography is where it's at!

#934 Why does Han Solo like gum? It's chewy!

#935 I was at the library and asked if they have any books on "paranoia", the librarian replied, "yes, they are right behind you"

#936 Have you heard of the band 1023MB? They haven't got a gig yet.

#937 The urge to sing the Lion King song is just a whim away.

#938 What happens when you anger a brain surgeon? They will give you a piece of your mind.

#939 I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

#940 I used to work at a stationery store. But, I didn't feel like I was going anywhere. So, I got a job at a travel agency. Now, I know I'll be going places.

#941 I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

#942 I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

#943 R.I.P. boiled water. You will be mist.

#944 Q: What did the spaghetti say to the other spaghetti? A: Pasta la vista, baby!

#945 The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, "This changes everything"

#946 Why is the ocean always blue? Because the shore never waves back.

#947 Why did the feline fail the lie detector test? Because he be lion.

#948 Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!

#949 I decided to sell my Hoover… well it was just collecting dust.

#950 Why do ducks make great detectives? They always quack the case.

#951 What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds!

#952 What do I look like? A JOKE MACHINE!?

#953 I bought shoes from a drug dealer once. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

#954 What is a tornado's favorite game to play? Twister!

#955 You know that cemetery up the road? People are dying to get in there.

#956 Pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in The Bahamas. These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

#957 What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

#958 Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had loco motives

#959 Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

#960 What is worse then finding a worm in your Apple? Finding half a worm in your Apple.

#961 What do vegetarian zombies eat? Grrrrrainnnnnssss.

#962 "I'm sorry." "Hi sorry, I'm dad"

#963 What is the hardest part about sky diving? The ground.

#964 Why did the cowboy have a weiner dog? Somebody told him to get a long little doggy.

#965 My friend keeps telling me "Cheer up. You aren't stuck in a deep hole in the ground, filled with water." I know he means well.

#966 Who did the wizard marry? His ghoul-friend

#967 How many seconds are in a year? 12. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc

#968 I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

#969 Ever wondered why bees hum? It's because they don't know the words.

#970 How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? 1 or 2? 1... or 2?

#971 There's not really any training for garbagemen. They just pick things up as they go.

#972 Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction.

#973 I was shocked when I was diagnosed as colorblind... It came out of the purple.

#974 Where does astronauts hangout after work? At the spacebar.

#975 What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!

#976 I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it’s Hans free.

#977 What do you call your friend who stands in a hole? Phil.

#978 A doll was recently found dead in a rice paddy. It's the only known instance of a nick nack paddy wack.

#979 How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? You will see one later and one in a while.

#980 What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

#981 The word queue is ironic. It's just q with a bunch of silent letters waiting in line.

#982 What do you call a droid that takes the long way around? R2 detour.

#983 What's the best thing about elevator jokes? They work on so many levels.

#984 Where do rabbits go after they get married? On a bunny-moon.

#985 Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.

#986 Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?"

#987 I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

#988 This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

#989 I was thinking about moving to Moscow but there is no point Russian into things.

#990 A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips. The barman replies “sorry mate we only do plain”

#991 It's been months since I bought the book "how to scam people online". It still hasn't turned up.

#992 Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover? Cause you shouldn't press your luck.

#993 I got an A on my origami assignment when I turned my paper into my teacher

#994 What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!

#995 I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink. Now I’m in hospital, waiting to be seen.

#996 Why does Waldo only wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted.

#997 My New Years resolution is to stop leaving things so late.

#998 Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

#999 Americans can't switch from pounds to kilograms overnight. That would cause mass confusion.

#1000 An apple a day keeps the bullies away. If you throw it hard enough.

#1001 Why does Superman get invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

#1002 Why is no one friends with Dracula? Because he's a pain in the neck.

#1003 A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

#1004 What is the leading cause of dry skin? Towels

#1005 A man walked in to a bar with some asphalt on his arm. He said “Two beers please, one for me and one for the road.”

#1006 Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

#1007 I’ll tell you something about German sausages, they’re the wurst

#1008 Where did Captain Hook get his hook? From a second hand store.

#1009 I got fired from a florist, apparently I took too many leaves.

#1010 Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

#1011 I got fired from the transmission factor, turns out I didn't put on enough shifts...

#1012 Where do young cows eat lunch? In the calf-ateria.

#1013 I went to the doctor today and he told me I had type A blood but it was a type O.

#1014 How does a French skeleton say hello? Bone-jour.

#1015 Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah.

#1016 What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

#1017 What’s E.T. short for? He’s only got little legs.

#1018 We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the Minneapolis?

#1019 What kind of award did the dentist receive? A little plaque.

#1020 Got a new suit recently made entirely of living plants. I wasn’t sure at first, but it’s grown on me

#1021 Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

#1022 What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A Carrot.

#1023 A Sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”

#1024 What do you get hanging from Apple trees? Sore arms.

#1025 I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.

#1026 I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

#1027 People are shocked to discover I have a police record but I love their greatest hits!

#1028 Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

#1029 How do you organize a space party? You planet.

#1030 How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

#1031 A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks...... "Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?"

#1032 They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian – they’re not laughing now.

#1033 What does an angry pepper do? It gets jalapeño face.

#1034 Don't buy flowers at a monastery. Because only you can prevent florist friars.

#1035 Hostess: Do you have a preference of where you sit? Dad: Down.

#1036 Did you hear about the submarine industry? It really took a dive...

#1037 The biggest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi.

#1038 To the person who stole my anti-depressant pills: I hope you're happy now.

#1039 How do you get a baby alien to sleep? You rocket.

#1040 Why do pirates not know the alphabet? They always get stuck at "C".

#1041 I saw my husband trip and fall while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes. I watched it all unfold.

#1042 Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? They had a reptile dysfunction.

#1043 Why did the house go to the doctor? It was having window panes.

#1044 I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my Trail Mix.

#1045 What do you call a dictionary on drugs? High definition.

#1046 A Skeleton walked into a bar he said I need a beer and a mop

#1047 How do robots eat guacamole? With computer chips.

#1048 Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

#1049 When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

#1050 What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

#1051 What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.

#1052 Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.

#1053 What do you call a pig with three eyes? Piiig

#1054 How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.

#1055 Sgt.: Commissar! Commissar! The troops are revolting! Commissar: Well, you’re pretty repulsive yourself.

#1056 The other day I was listening to a song about superglue, it’s been stuck in my head ever since.

#1057 What don't watermelons get married? Because they cantaloupe.

#1058 If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas. Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

#1059 The great thing about stationery shops is they're always in the same place...

#1060 Did you hear about the cheese who saved the world? It was Legend-dairy!

#1061 What do you call cheese by itself? Provolone.

#1062 How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.

#1063 What's red and bad for your teeth? A Brick.

#1064 I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

#1065 A beekeeper was indicted after he confessed to years of stealing at work. They charged him with emBEEzlement

#1066 I used to work for a soft drink can crusher. It was soda pressing.

#1067 Why did the chicken get a penalty? For fowl play.

#1068 When Dad drops a pea off of his plate ‘oh dear I’ve pee’d on the table!

#1069 My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

#1070 Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall? To prove that he was framed!

#1071 I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

#1072 I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!

#1073 A dad washes his car with his son. But after a while, the son says, "why can't you just use a sponge?"

#1074 Doctor you've got you help me, I'm addicted to twitter. Doctor: I don't follow you.

#1075 My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home...

#1076 Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?” Because every play has a cast.

#1077 I broke my finger at work today, on the other hand I'm completely fine.

#1078 I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

#1079 How does a scientist freshen their breath? With experi-mints!

#1080 What has ears but cannot hear? A field of corn.

#1081 People who don't eat gluten are really going against the grain.

#1082 Sore throats are a pain in the neck!

#1083 How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.

#1084 What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion? An ion!

#1085 I think circles are pointless.

#1086 What did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer? Cool Ranch!

#1087 A ghost walks into a bar and asks for a glass of vodka but the bar tender says, “sorry we don’t serve spirits”

#1088 You know what they say about cliffhangers...

#1089 Why do wizards clean their teeth three times a day? To prevent bat breath!

#1090 Someone asked me, what's the ninth letter of the alphabet? It was a complete guess, but I was right.

#1091 Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.

#1092 A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”

#1093 Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools!

#1094 How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

#1095 Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory? Lack of concentration.

#1096 I couldn't get a reservation at the library. They were completely booked.

#1097 Dad, can you put my shoes on? I don't think they'll fit me.

#1098 How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive West.

#1099 What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe? Roberto

#1100 I tried taking some high resolution photos of local farmland, but they all turned out a bit grainy.

#1101 What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.

#1102 I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

#1103 Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water. I said "Well dam"

#1104 I gave all my dead batteries away today, free of charge.

#1105 Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

#1106 Why didn't the number 4 get into the nightclub? Because he is 2 square.

#1107 What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.

#1108 Why did the m&m go to school? Because it wanted to be a Smartie!

#1109 Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague? Now we just have to call him Dav.

#1110 My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of stuff. It is enough to make a mango crazy.

#1111 Why are basketball players messy eaters? Because they are always dribbling.

#1112 Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.? Because it's indivisible.

#1113 I knew i shouldn’t have ate that seafood. Because now i’m feeling a little… Eel

#1114 Past, present, and future walked into a bar.... It was tense.

#1115 Did you hear about the bread factory burning down? They say the business is toast.

#1116 My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.

#1117 What's black and white and read all over? The newspaper.

#1118 Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.

#1119 Without geometry life is pointless.

#1120 “Hold on, I have something in my shoe” “I’m pretty sure it’s a foot”

#1121 Have you heard about the film "Constipation", you probably haven't because it's not out yet.

#1122 Did you know Albert Einstein was a real person? All this time, I thought he was just a theoretical physicist!

#1123 I hate perforated lines, they're tearable.

#1124 I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic, they said: go ahead, knock yourself out.

#1125 Why did the barber win the race? He took a short cut.

#1126 Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

#1127 What did the doctor say to the gingerbread man who broke his leg? Try icing it.

#1128 What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

#1129 "What time is it?" I don't know... it keeps changing.

#1130 You can't trust a ladder. It will always let you down

#1131 I am so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!

#1132 I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

#1133 What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday...the rest are weekdays.

#1134 My friend said to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "no it doesn't"

#1135 I had a rough day, and then somebody went and ripped the front and back pages from my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse.

#1136 I adopted my dog from a blacksmith. As soon as we got home he made a bolt for the door.

#1137 Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.

#1138 Some people say that comedians who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out, but they don't know watt they are talking about. They're not that bright.

#1139 A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

#1140 What do you call a cow on a trampoline? A milk shake!

#1141 What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.

#1142 What do you call an eagle who can play the piano? Talonted!

#1143 What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick.

#1144 What do you call a duck that gets all A's? A wise quacker.

#1145 I used to work for an origami company but they folded.

#1146 There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

#1147 I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it!

#1148 The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

#1149 Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bay-gulls!

#1150 Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

#1151 The best time on a clock is 6:30--hands down.

#1152 What do you call a magician who has lost their magic? Ian.

#1153 Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!

#1154 When do doctors get angry? When they run out of patients.

#1155 A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that's the last thing I need.

#1156 It doesn't matter how much you push the envelope. It will still be stationary.

#1157 What did the shy pebble wish for? That she was a little boulder.

#1158 Why did the belt go to prison? He held up a pair of pants!

#1159 Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it... We had some drinks, cool guy, wants to be a web developer.

#1160 What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

#1161 What is a vampire's favorite fruit? A blood orange.

#1162 A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people.

#1163 Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long

#1164 Want to hear my pizza joke? Never mind, it's too cheesy.

#1165 What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

#1166 What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.

#1167 Why was the picture sent to prison? It was framed.

#1168 Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

#1169 I burned 2000 calories today, I left my food in the oven for too long.

#1170 Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

#1171 How can you tell a vampire has a cold? They start coffin.

#1172 At the boxing match, the dad got into the popcorn line and the line for hot dogs, but he wanted to stay out of the punchline.

#1173 "Hey, dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut."

#1174 Why is there always a gate around cemeteries? Because people are always dying to get in.

#1175 I asked a frenchman if he played video games. He said "Wii"

#1176 My dentist is the best, he even has a little plaque!

#1177 So, I heard this pun about cows, but it’s kinda offensive so I won’t say it. I don’t want there to be any beef between us.

#1178 What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.

#1179 What kind of music do planets listen to? Nep-tunes.

#1180 Shout out to my grandma, that's the only way she can hear.

#1181 Why was the broom late for the meeting? He overswept.

#1182 I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo. It was great. She’s a keeper.

#1183 Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.

#1184 Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

#1185 What do you call an alligator in a vest? An in-vest-igator!

#1186 What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend? She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.

#1187 Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me. It means a lot.

#1188 What's brown and sticky? A stick.

#1189 What biscuit does a short person like? Shortbread.

#1190 The invention of the wheel was what got things rolling

#1191 Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed? Because he has low elf esteem.

#1192 Why did Sweden start painting barcodes on the sides of their battleships? So they could Scandinavian.

#1193 Want to hear a chimney joke? Got stacks of em! First one's on the house

#1194 What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!

#1195 If two vegans are having an argument, is it still considered beef?

#1196 My sea sickness comes in waves.

#1197 For Valentine's day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus. It's the little things that count.

#1198 What's the worst thing about ancient history class? The teachers tend to Babylon.

#1199 My new thesaurus is terrible. In fact, it's so bad, I'd say it's terrible.

#1200 What type of music do balloons hate? Pop music!

#1201 Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is? In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.

#1202 How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning? He was a good conductor.

#1203 Camping is intense.

#1204 Dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. I will never forget his last words. Be positive.

#1205 I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

#1206 How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side.

#1207 Why didn’t the orange win the race? It ran out of juice.

#1208 Did you hear about the runner who was criticized? He just took it in stride

#1209 What animal is always at a game of cricket? A bat.

#1210 Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?  Because he was a little horse!

#1211 I started a new business making yachts in my attic this year...the sails are going through the roof

#1212 If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks--it cost me an arm and a leg!

#1213 What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

#1214 I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

#1215 I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

#1216 Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs!

#1217 Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing? Just in case you get a hole in one.

#1218 I wish I could clean mirrors for a living. It's just something I can see myself doing.

#1219 How do the trees get on the internet? They log on.

#1220 To the guy who invented zero... thanks for nothing.

#1221 What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

#1222 What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!

#1223 *Reversing the car* "Ah, this takes me back"

#1224 Doctor you've got to help me, I'm addicted to Twitter. Doctor: I don't follow you.

#1225 How do locomotives know where they're going? Lots of training

#1226 How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.

#1227 A butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work that day.

#1228 Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere.

#1229 What do you call a beehive without the b's? An eehive.

#1230 What kind of pants do ghosts wear? Boo jeans.

#1231 Two guys walked into a bar, the third one ducked.

#1232 I really want to buy one of those supermarket checkout dividers, but the cashier keeps putting it back.

#1233 A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey." The horse says "Sure."

#1234 Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.

#1235 What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

#1236 Why are giraffes so slow to apologize? Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.

#1237 "Dad, I'm hungry." Hello, Hungry. I'm Dad.

#1238 I'm practicing for a bug-eating contest and I've got butterflies in my stomach.

#1239 I have the heart of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.

#1240 What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep? Matt.

#1241 I met this girl on a dating site and, I don't know, we just clicked.

#1242 What did the calculator say to the student? You can count on me.

#1243 What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones? Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.

#1244 Have you heard about corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!

#1245 What kind of shoes to frogs wear? Open-toad sandals.

#1246 I just built an ATM that only gives out coins. I don’t know why no one’s thought of it before: it just makes cents!

#1247 Did I ever tell you about the time I went mushroom foraging? It’s a story with a morel at the end.

#1248 What happened when two slices of bread went on a date? It was loaf at first sight.

#1249 Why do crabs never volunteer? Because they're shell-fish.

#1250 I had a quiet game of tennis today. There was no racket.

#1251 What's a shark's favorite saying? Man overboard!

#1252 What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race? You're toast!

#1253 I poured some water over a duck's back yesterday. I don't think he cared.

#1254 How did I know my girlfriend thought I was invading her privacy? She wrote about it in her diary.

#1255 Why did the electric car feel discriminated against? Because the rules weren't current.

#1256 I'm such a good navigator, a self-driving car once asked me for directions.

#1257 Why do melons have weddings? They cantelope.

#1258 What did the bison say to his son when he left the ranch? Bi-son.

#1259 Watch what you say around the egg whites. They can't take a yolk.

#1260 I'm so good at fixing things, my motto is, If it is broke, I'll still fix it.

#1261 Were did the pumpkins have their meeting? In the gourdroom.

#1262 What's the best way to save your dad jokes? In a dadda-base.

#1263 I got a new pen that can write under water. It can write other words too.

#1264 My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” So I went in as Batman.

#1265 I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. There’s something fishy about that place.

#1266 What do you call a sheep who can sing and dance? Lady Ba Ba.

#1267 What do you call a French man wearing sandals? Philipe Fallop.

#1268 Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Because they're extinct.

#1269 I gave my handyman a to-do list, but he only did jobs 1, 3, and 5. Turns out he only does odd jobs.

#1270 Why should you never take sides in an argument at the dinner table? Trick question. It's the perfect time to take sides because no one's paying attention. Bring Tupperware.

#1271 Who won the neck decorating contest? It was a tie.

#1272 Where do rainbows go when they've been bad? To prism, so they have time to reflect on what they've done.

#1273 Dogs can't operate MRI machines. But catscan.

#1274 I'm so upset—my barber said he can't cut my hair any longer. He can only cut it shorter.

#1275 What do mermaids use to wash their fins? Tide.

#1276 What did the skillet eat on its birthday? Pan-cakes.

#1277 Why couldn't the produce manager make it to work? He could drive, but he didn't avocado.

#1278 I went to a silent auction. I won a dog whistle and two mimes.

#1279 How is my wallet like an onion? Every time I open it, I cry.

#1280 What do you call a dog who meditates? Aware wolf.

#1281 What kind of fish do penguins catch at night? Star fish.

#1282 Which vegetable has the best kung fu? Broc-lee.

#1283 Can a frog jump higher than a house? Of course, a house can't jump.

#1284 I was going to try an all almond diet, but that's just nuts.

#1285 I was going to tell a joke about the layoffs, but sadly none of them work.

#1286 What's the hardest tea to swallow? Reality.

#1287 Why did the employee at the calendar company get fired? He took a day off.

#1288 I was raised as an only child. It drove my sister nuts.

#1289 Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.

#1290 You don't need a parachute to go sky-diving. You need one to go sky-diving twice.

#1291 It's not easy being a mom. Otherwise, dads would do it.

#1292 My dog just ate a $100 bill. I guess he has expensive taste.

#1293 The guy who stole my diary went missing. My thoughts are with his family.

#1294 What did the cow say to the leather chair? Hi, Mom!

#1295 I'd love to have kids one day. But that's as long as I can handle them.

#1296 Hard work pays off later. Laziness pays off now.

#1297 My resume is a list of things I hope I never have to do again.

#1298 Why did the social media manager break up with her boyfriend? Lack of engagement.

#1299 My wife always complains that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

#1300 I threw a boomerang months ago. Now I live in constant fear.

#1301 I'm sorry and I apologize usually mean the same thing...but not at a funeral.

#1302 I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her.

#1303 A woman passed out on the merry-go-round. She's coming around.

#1304 There was a break-in at the wig factory. Police are combing the area.

#1305 I once submitted 10 puns to a joke competition. I really thought with that many, one was sure to be a winner. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

#1306 Why did the old man fall down the well? He couldn’t see that well.

#1307 I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.

#1308 Dad: What is the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue? Me: I don't know. Dad: You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna. Me: What about the pot of glue? Dad: I knew you'd get stuck on that.

#1309 Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, Do you have a favorite song? The other replies, Well... all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.

#1310 Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance... So I pushed her over.

#1311 I got an A on my origami assignment when I turned my paper into my teacher.

#1312 How many storm troopers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, because they are all on the dark side.

#1313 If your house is cold, just stand in the corner. It’s always 90 degrees there.

#1314 Hi, I’m Cliff. Drop over sometime.

#1315 Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor for a headache? The doctor examined his ear and found money. The doctor kept pulling and pulling it out until he had $1,999. Then the doctor said, No wonder you're not feeling two grand!

#1316 Dad, when he puts the car in reverse: Ah, this takes me back.

#1317 What do you call the security guards for Samsung? Guardians of the galaxy.

#1318 I was making a joke about retirement. It did not work.

#1319 The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank. I have no word to describe how angry I am.

#1320 The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when i was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone. He said, “Fine, suit yourself.”

#1321 Why did the egg have a day off? Because it was Fryday.

#1322 Have you ever heard about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.

#1323 I found a book called How to Solve 50% of Your Problems. So I bought 2.

#1324 Why did the coffee taste like dirt? Because it was ground just a few minutes ago.

#1325 Why did the Rolling Stones stop making music? Because they got to bottom of the hill.

#1326 What is the best present? Broken drums! You can't beat them.

#1327 I made song about tortilla once, now it's more like a wrap.

#1328 Did you know courdury pillows are in style? They're making headlines.

#1329 What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.

#1330 Did you hear about the fragile myth? It was busted.

#1331 What word can you make shorter by adding two letters? Short.

#1332 What do call a criminal landing an airplane? Condescending.

#1333 I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

#1334 Why do people who live in Greece hate waking up at dawn? Because Dawn is tough on Greece.

#1335 How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

#1336 Justice is a dish best served cold. Otherwise, it's just water.

#1337 Why should you never throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.

#1338 Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting? They always drop their needles.

#1339 What did the lunch box say to the refrigerator? Don't hate me because I'm a little cooler.

#1340 What do you do to have a space party? You planet.

#1341 Why couldn’t the tree get on his computer? Because he could not log on.

#1342 What's a skeleton's favorite type of road? A dead end.

#1343 What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, just a little wine.

#1344 What did the alien say to the landscaper? Take me to your weeder.

#1345 Me: “I want to write when I grow up.” Dad: “Why don’t you left instead?”

#1346 How many apples grow on an apple tree? All of them.

#1347 What did Elvis say to his landscaper? Thank you for the mulch!

#1348 Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out!

#1349 What did the mother broom say to the baby broom? Time to go to sweep.

#1350 The other day I was attacked by a bunch of circus clowns in a parking lot. I won though, cause I went right for the juggler.

#1351 I'd like to shout out sidewalks for keeping me off the streets.

#1352 What did the computer go to the doctor? Because he had a virus.

#1353 How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear.

#1354 Did you hear about the famous pickle? He's a really big dill.

#1355 I went on Amazon to buy a lighter but all they had were 3,472 matches.

#1356 What do you need to make a highway in an art studio? A mile marker.

#1357 How does Vin Diesel keep in touch with the Fast and Furious crew? On a Zoom call.

#1358 What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.

#1359 How much does a chimney cost. Nothing, it's on the house.

#1360 Why do only some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.

#1361 You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need one to go skydiving twice.

#1362 How do you make 7 even? Take away the S.

#1363 Why is sausage bad for you? It brings out the Wurst in people.

#1364 What do you call a broken clock? A waste of time.

#1365 Why did the teddy bear turn down a slice of cake. He was stuffed.

#1366 What's an astronaut's favorite board game? Moon-opoly

#1367 How do you make Budweiser? Send him to school.

#1368 What is Santa’s favorite state to visit? Ida Ho Ho Ho

#1369 Have you seen those traffic circles or driven around them? Well, they are pointless.

#1370 Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The P is silent.

#1371 What’s a dog’s favorite super hero? Labra-Thor.

#1372 I was walking down the beach when I heard a swimmer yelling for help with a shark circling him. I just laughed....I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

#1373 What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!

#1374 What do you say when a chicken is looking at salad? Chicken sees a salad.

#1375 What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

#1376 You are on a horse riding full gallop. Next to you is a giraffe at full gallop, and behind you is a lion on your tail. What do you do? Get off the carousel.

#1377 I have a horse named mayo, and mayo neighs.

#1378 What family does the zebra belong to? Can't say, none of the families in our neighborhood owns a zebra.

#1379 What is the cutest creature in the sea? A cuddlefish.

#1380 What do you call an elephant in a telephone booth? Stuck.

#1381 A man walked into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender said, Does the animal talk? And the parrot replied, I don't know.

#1382 What do you get when you cross a parrot with a caterpillar? A little walkie-talkie.

#1383 Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

#1384 What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.

#1385 What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fshhhh

#1386 A pony walks into a noisy bar and tries to order a beer. Bartender says “I can’t hear you! You’ll have to speak up!” Pony says: “Sorry! I’m a little horse!”

#1387 Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the possum it could be done.

#1388 Why aren’t dogs allowed in bars? Because they can’t control their licker!

#1389 Why did the baseball player get fired? He ran 3 bases then walked home.

#1390 Why don't fish play basketball? Because they're scared of the net.

#1391 Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one!

#1392 What does a sprinter eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!

#1393 My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.

#1394 I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!

#1395 Where do basketball players go when they need a uniform? New Jersey.

#1396 Why don't football players were glasses? It's a contact sport.

#1397 What's the best animal in soccer? A score-pion.

#1398 What's the difference between a quarterback and a baby? One takes a snap, one takes a nap.

#1399 I used to be addicted to basketball, but I rebounded.

#1400 Why can't pigs play soccer? They hog the ball.

#1401 Why shouldn't you play tennis in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

#1402 What does a sports fan have in common with an angry chicken? A foul mouth.

#1403 Why couldn't the baby score in basketball? He was always dribbling.;

#1404 I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

#1405 My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

#1406 Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.

#1407 What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They're both Paris sites.

#1408 What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

#1409 How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.

#1410 If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.

#1411 I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

#1412 How does dry skin affect you at work? You don’t have any elbow grease to put into it.

#1413 What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.

#1414 Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

#1415 What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!

#1416 Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.

#1417 What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

#1418 Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.

#1419 I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.

#1420 How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

#1421 What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.

#1422 What did the zero say to the eight? That belt looks good on you.

#1423 A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'

#1424 Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is!

#1425 I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.

#1426 What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Where's Pop Corn?

#1427 What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

#1428 Where do you learn to make a banana split? Sundae school.

#1429 What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office!

#1430 Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

#1431 What do you call a poor Santa Claus? St. Nickel-less.

#1432 I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.

#1433 Where do boats go when they're sick? To the boat doc.

#1434 I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.

#1435 My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

#1436 How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.

#1437 Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.

#1438 I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

#1439 What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.

#1440 Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!

#1441 Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

#1442 What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I'm going on ahead.

#1443 Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.

#1444 Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

#1445 Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

#1446 What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow!

#1447 This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.

#1448 What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen.

#1449 Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

#1450 How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray.

#1451 What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

#1452 Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn't have the guts.

#1453 What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.

#1454 How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.

#1455 I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.

#1456 What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!

#1457 What does a bee use to brush its hair? A honeycomb!

#1458 How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.

#1459 Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!

#1460 What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.

#1461 What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!

#1462 How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.

#1463 How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. JK! Rowling.

#1464 I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

#1465 A guy walks into a bar... and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

#1466 You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.

#1467 When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?

#1468 I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...

#1469 Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I'll wrestle you for them.

#1470 That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.

#1471 Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.

#1472 If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

#1473 What country's capital is growing the fastest? Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.

#1474 I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.

#1475 A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

#1476 I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.

#1477 I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.

#1478 Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.

#1479 I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

#1480 Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

#1481 I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.

#1482 How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

#1483 I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

#1484 Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.

#1485 I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.

#1486 I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.

#1487 I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!

#1488 I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.

#1489 You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

#1490 What's brown and sticky? A stick.

#1491 Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.

#1492 What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.

#1493 What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

#1494 I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

#1495 What's the best smelling insect? A deodor-ant.

#1496 I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.

#1497 Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

#1498 If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

#1499 I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.

#1500 It takes guts to be an organ donor.

#1501 If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?

#1502 I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!

#1503 I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

#1504 What did the vet say to the cat? How are you feline?

#1505 What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo? A pouch potato!

#1506 What happens when M&M’s can’t agree on anything? They reach an M-passe.

#1507 What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

#1508 What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.

#1509 What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.

#1510 What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

#1511 What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.

#1512 Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.

#1513 Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.

#1514 What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off.

#1515 What's a robot's favorite snack? Computer chips.

#1516 How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh? Nothing, it's on the house.

#1517 Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.

#1518 What do clouds wear? Thunderwear.

#1519 Why are piggy banks so wise? They're filled with common cents.

#1520 Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.

#1521 How do you get a good price on a sled? You have toboggan.

#1522 How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark.

#1523 I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

#1524 It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.

#1525 What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!

#1526 Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school.

#1527 Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.

#1528 Can February March? No, but April May!

#1529 How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!

#1530 Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.

#1531 What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.

#1532 Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.

#1533 I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.

#1534 Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!

#1535 When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

#1536 I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

#1537 What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.

#1538 Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.

#1539 Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.

#1540 Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.

#1541 What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.

#1542 What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.

#1543 Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.

#1544 If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you? An iWitness.

Dad Joke Archive